I was clean for almost 4 years
I'm having a hard time picking myself back up this time
Rehab won't change the situation I'm in.
The sad thing is the time I was sober was pure misery. I was only able to stay sober because I isolated. I had no friends and I never did anything
Idk how I'm going to do it tbh, or if I even want to be sober again
I don't even care about happiness at this point, I just care about being able to silence the demons in my head
When I do meth the voices actually help.
Just to clarify I have ADHD and I've been on Ritalin since I was in kindergarten
I'm the kind that has ADHD lol idk
The ADHDautism combination is almost like schizophrenia
Each thought is a storm, every breath is a fight, caged and chained by an endless night, beaten broken and battered, hopeless and confused, all my dreams have been shattered and tattered and bruised, I've lost everything that matters, I have nothing left to lose, I've done everything I can and I don't know what else to do
It's not that I have no other options, the options I have aren't good for me
I could go to a rehab, but I would just end up getting into fights and thrown back in jail
Damn we just had a huge earthquake
I'm not addicted to the drugs I'm addicted to the trouble
The drugs calm me down and keep me out of trouble, when I'm sober the voices get uncontrollable and I start getting into fights
It's an overwhelming sense of frustration
The voices are always telling me I'm not good enough, and then people who don't understand make me feel like the voices are right
And if the voices are right then what am I supposed to do
When I get high I just don't care about being good enough for the world, I'm surviving in my own way and that's good enough for me
It's one thing to have the feeling, it's another thing to actually be different and not be acceptable to anyone else
